Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped.
Monday morning, June 28th we lost our baby. I was just under 12 weeks. The experience itself was traumatic and since then, its been a difficult process- one that's hard to understand. Unless you've experienced it you can't know how difficult it really is- I certainly didn't know. In working through it I've been trying to answer major life questions along with it- "Should we have more kids? Could we handle another difficult pregnancy? Adoption? etc..." In trying to understand how this fits into our ultimate life plan I realize I've been biting off way more than I can chew. Something that became evident last night as my emotional capacity is very limited right now. God is teaching me to take it much more slowly... To grieve this loss, to heal, and to enjoy the 2 beautiful healthy boys we have (something I'll begin to do this afternoon as our mom's have been incredible help during this time). This is not an easy lesson for a major planner like me. The truth is, I've been trying to make sense of it, to find the purpose in it. Why would I be so sick for almost 12 weeks just to lose this? Unfortunately, that isn't something that can be realized now or in the near future.
Psalm 27:14- Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
What I know for sure is that we lost something so precious to us. We lost a child, a soul upon conception. An eternal soul. One who's daddy and I will meet someday in heaven. We would have loved to have raised this little one but this child will have the perfect upbringing. Knowing this doesn't make it easy but it makes it bearable. In the meantime, I am reading His word like its air and struggling to keep my mind focused on just today- no clue what it means for tomorrow and that's ok. I don't understand Lord, but I trust you.
The morning after it happened, I opened the Bible to Psalm 23 and read it with fresh eyes:
The Lord is my shepard, I shall not be in want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures,
he leasds me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You annoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house fo the Lord forever.
'Rachel' means 'God's little lamb'. He is my shepard and I need guidance right now...
6 comments:
Rachel
I am sorry for your loss and we will be keeping your family in our prayers.
I am sorry for your loss and also for the pain. I know it could not have been easy at 12 weeks along. Keith and I are keeping your family in our thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.
Wow, Rachel. Your words are so insightful and powerful. You have a tremendous grasp on the whole situation that just once again reminds me how strong of an individual you are in Christ (as if I had forgotten). I am always here for you and Love you so much.
We love you all so much and are sharing the sadness of losing this precious life. God is faithful and that's what we know is true, especially in times like this. He will complete the work He has begun in you and your family.
Hugs from Arizona.
rae, thanks for he encouragement. you have chosen the road less traveled and chosen to listen for God's leading you through this. the only words that come to mind are horrible, tragic and heart breaking. thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us.
Rachel, I can't pretend to understand what you are going through. I do know that God is with you and will continue to carry you through this incredibly difficult time in your life. My prayers are with you often. Please let me know if I can be there for you in any other way.
Love,
Crystal
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